Somewhere Only We Know
nature cries out war and creates superbugs to halt the invasion. this takes them three centuries to do. But then people are like ‘yo, i’m too smart for you’ and they create superbug eating rabbits that multiply at the speed of sound in a decade. and nature’s unhappy, and nature makes the bugs bigger, the weeds harsher, and halts the oxygen supply. this takes them two centuries to accomplishman’s okay with that, they create masks and an alternate means of getting oxygen is created in five years. at this point, nature’s awfully fed up, it wants the bees to live for crying out loud. the humans meet with nature at a leadership conference and agree that ‘okay, we can let one strand live, we can let more live because we have to drill in brazil to obtain the minerals we use to meet our dietary requirements as set by the treaty of tripoli’. nature isn’t able to voice discontent, as nature is numbered 303 to 1 in the assembly, because by the treaty of westminister nature can, and always will have only one seat. nature lets them know this means war. thermonuclear war. the press doesn’t take it seriously, and nature drinks and takes heroin as a means to escape how bad it all feels. the next morning nature wakes up with an allergic reaction to the heroin, but it’s not a big deal, just sweaty palms and heavy vomiting. suddenly, anger. for while nature is loving, nature is strong. suddenly, rage. for even nature is reckless. suddenly, recognition. nature goes underground for centuries and develops a special fertilizer Enogebnem, and it’s distributed by Enogebsey! and no one knows nature’s product better than nature, and so the crops grow and sales are booming, and before you know it nature’s conquered the market better than Monsanto ever could. because it’s friggin nature, and nature knows its product. and so five centuries after declaring thermonuclear war, mankind has bought into the product. and then nature does something amazing, something no man could ever do or has ever wanted to do, something so evil. a simple minor tweak that would alter humanity forever. it was advertised as Enogebnem 6.0, capable of taking care of the most aggressive weeds. you see, Enogebnem 6.0, unlike the older releases, was not fat-soluble, rather water-soluble, and Enogebnem 6.0 would cause atomic implosions at the points of orgasm. so nature didn’t go thermonuclear war, nature went thermonuclear massacre.